Bullies, Stooges, Lackeys and the Rest of Us

Everything you need to know about global politics you learned in elementary school

A lot of people are scratching their heads about what the hell just happened. Talking heads are acting like the descent into authoritarianism is mysterious and unfathomable. “How could it happen here?!?” It’s actually not that hard to understand if you apply the right lens. Your childhood bully already taught you everything you need to know.

It only takes one bully to make life miserable for a whole lot of people.

Well, that’s not actually true, is it? It takes a whole social structure to support the single bully.

First, bullies rarely do the dirty work for themselves and they would never be successful acting alone. They need a squad of stooges — social oafs who have a bigger chip on their shoulder than IQ.

Bullies’ primary skill is the ability to attract stooges who will do their bidding. They do it by convincing the stooges that they have some secret magic power and if the stooges play their cards right, the bully will let them in on the secret. Of course, the real magic is just that the bully convinced the stooges to do his dirty work which he then claims credit for as evidence of his magical abilities. And the stooges buy it.

The bully dangles carrots in front of the stooges while always withholding the big prize (in part because he has no “big prize” to reveal). And, again, the stooges swallow it hook, line, and sinker. They become desperate to win favour from the bully just for a chance to get a little closer to that hidden prize. Most of the violence of the bully society is dreamed up by the stooges on behalf of the bully.

Of course, eventually some of the stooges start to figure it out. You only have to see the con play out a few times on other folks before you start to see how to play it yourself. The clever stooge starts to realize that as long as someone else is in the bully seat, they have to settle for leftovers. So they start to maneuver for position, feigning “loyalty” while waiting for the perfect opportunity to turn the tables.

This dynamic creates a predictable state of violence that radiates out from the bully and stooges as first they go on hunts to prove their value to the bully and then start to divide up the turf seeking their own squad of stooges. Eventually, everything becomes a border skirmish.

And, of course, it is pure chaos. There is no purpose behind any of it other than the sheer act of bullying. It is merely a bizarre mating ritual to establish hierarchies of dominance. The violence is nothing personal; just doing business.

However, bullies and stooges are still only a tiny fraction of the total population. They couldn’t get away with it without the support of lackeys— who, unfortunately, make up the majority of the population.

Lackeys are motivated almost exclusively by fear of the random threats, so much so that they are willing to make a deal with the bullies and stooges. They go along with it and agree to turn a blind eye in exchange for not getting bullied themselves.

These are the people who will laugh at the taunting then mouth to the victim “sorry” as they walk away.

They are willing to “bend the truth” a bit if it keeps them out of trouble. They say they didn’t see anything or that it was all just a joke or that the victim started it.

Of course the sad irony is that the lackeys are the biggest victims of bullying. The truth isn’t that malleable; it breaks when you bend it. So lackeys give up any sense of integrity and agency in exchange for a non-existent sense of safety. They internalize a deep form of self-violence to avoid the superficial violence the bullies represent.

And then there’s the rest of us. We are the ones willing to stand up and say no to the bullies when they bully someone else — often because we’ve been on the receiving end ourselves. We are the few idiots who believed those after-school specials where the plucky nerdy kid with glasses stands up to the bully and all the other kids back him up and, as is always the case, the bully is nothing but bluster and shown up to the be the sad, broken misfit he actually is.

The problem is the lackeys rarely show up.

For every plucky kid who turns the tide on the playground there are dozens who learn the hard lessons:

• The lackeys will just stand there and watch your pain and not get involved, and
• There are teachers on staff who secretly (and not so secretly) support the bullies and even more lackeys on staff who will turn a blind eye and leave you hanging rather than complicate their day.

The sad truth is that it takes a whole culture to create a bully, and it creates a society that makes everyone miserable.

The bullies and stooges are miserable because they’re trapped in a constant state of warfare where even friends are enemies and the only thing that secures “loyalty” is dominance and the ever-shifting sands of advantage.

The lackeys are miserable because they have compromised any sense of integrity AND it turns out that the stooges and bullies don’t usually keep their word, so you don’t even get the security they promised in exchange for compromising your values.

And the rest of us are miserable because we become the dumping ground for anyone who wants to make an easy point for the current bully-in-charge.

As it is on the playground, so it is in the world today. This same dynamic of bullies, stooges, lackeys and the rest of us is fractal. It plays out on every scale, from the home to the workplace to the nation-state. Globally, we are witnessing what happens when a few bully nations gather together their favourite stooge countries to engage in constant turf wars where the rest of us are just random targets for someone to make some imaginary points in a pointless game.

But none of that could happen with out the lackeys.

So, if you want to know who to blame for the mess we are in, blame the lackeys. Blame the people who are too busy. Blame the people who are just trying to get ahead. Blame the people who don’t want to take sides or aren’t interested in politics. Blame the timid who talk passionately about what other people should do without ever taking a risk themselves.

Yes. There are a few bullies out there and they are able to con a small but violently committed group of followers — but none of that would be a problem if it weren’t for the lackeys, the people who never really show up.

In the end, the after-school special is actually right: the bullies wouldn’t stand a chance if the lackeys actually showed up. Hopefully, one day soon the lackeys will realize how much they’ve lost and how much power they have. As soon as they do, the bullies’ days are numbered. But you can’t wake someone who’s only pretending to be asleep.